Sweet Pea Journey

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Tagged: life thoughts

Words

Life and random things

Words

At 8 pm, I am still working on the project. All of a sudden, I received a message from a co-worker. She apologized for not getting what I needed done for today, and promised to finish it tomorrow morning, because she is very exhausted now. I said OK and thank you. What she said afterwards brought me to tears.

“My guy has passed away in March…. from a rare form of cancer… I miss him so much, I would give anything for him to be here with me…I am not a difficult person, I promise, don’t be worried to ask me for anything…. Work has been keeping me busy, so I am always online…”

I was in shock. Not that I should have known about her personal business, but how fragile a life, a relationship could be, and how much pain separations can cause one another. I told her “I am sure he knows too..” It surprised me that I said that to her, instead of typical “I hope you are OK, I am always here..”

We all have witnessed, heard and been part of so many arguments, disagreements between couples, parents and children, friends, co-workers.. I know I teared up, not just because it is a sad situation, but I also felt her pain, to my core… People say harsh things to each other during arguments, for what? Defending and justifying their own behavior? But how many of us can truly HEAR how the other person is feeling? Frustrating on both ends indeed.

Words are double sided swords, they hurt on the way into someone’s ears, but most of us do not realize, they also hurt on the way out of our mouths, if you truly care for the other person.

I watch people argue, they pick the worst words to say, attacking each other on a personal level. Almost all the time, what hurts the most isn’t the argument itself, isn’t who is right who is wrong, isn’t someone’s pride or ego.. it’s the harsh words coming out of a loved one’s mouth.

I wonder if those moments went through her head, wishing she never said certain things, now he is gone she could never take them back… I wonder if he has ever thought of the same thing, knowing he didn’t have much time left?

People may apologize afterwards, saying I shouldn’t have said this or that, but can you really take those words back? No you can’t. Those words can’t be unheard, things can’t be unsaid.. A nail hammered into wood can be removed, but the hole remains.

We all know we should live like we are dying, but do we also treat our loved ones like we are dying too?

Life and random things

Crazy Two Weeks

Life has been pretty hectic for the past year. Things took another crazy turn in the past two weeks, I couldn’t help but wonder, what else should I be prepared for?

Mom has been in and out of different doctor’s offices, done all kinds of tests and exams, and finally ended up with a lung surgery and 3-day stay at the hospital. I stayed with her the whole time, watched her going through all kinds of pain that still makes me cringe just thinking about it. Dad was feeling just as helpless, tried to talk about random things to mom and get the pain off her mind. But nothing really worked. How could it work when you have over a foot long, half-inch diameter hard plastic tube through your skin into your chest for 48 hours, while have about 7 other lines hooked you to some sort of bags, containers or machines? That was 3 long days…doctors, nurses, physicians in and out of her room every 15 minutes or so, no rest, no break, needles, more x-rays, breathing tests…part of her lung was removed, lung cancer…she kept coughing blood, pressing on the tube, holding onto it when she needed to adjust how she was laying in bed, pain was all over her face.

Finally, she was discharged from the hospital. I was super excited. After past 3 weeks of craziness, I could finally see my little munchkins too! Even though it is only 24 hours, it felt like Christmas! Who knows, 10 minutes after I had them, I was involved in a car accident. A few hours after we spent 3 days in the hospital, I ended up riding EMS back to emergency room and had a temporary cast on my wrist for my broken arm. Just like that, my left hand is out of commission for about 3 months. After having the kids checked out by the nurse practitioner, I called their dad to keep them. Our short reunion became even shorter.

I’m not here to complain about life or pain. All that has happened got me thinking life is unpredictable. Anything could happen. I wonder what was going through my mom’s mind when she gave me the strong squeeze on my hand as she was being pushed into operation room and I had to stay, she must be scared to death. I calmed the kids down and kept telling them everything is going to be ok, didn’t even realize my left wrist already deformed, until my daughter saw blood dripping off from my thumb. All I cared about was the kids being ok, until I was strapped down in the EMS. 3 more accidents on the same road, on my way to the ER. First time riding in EMS, don’t remember much of my pain, just worried about the kids.  I will have a plate inserted into my wrist in a couple of days. Anything could happen in a blink of the eye. What was the last memory you made with the loved ones? If life ends today, would you regret not telling them you love them, would you regret keep putting off that trip to the park, or making their favorite food they have been asking for? Would you regret having that meaningless argument, or not hugging them and squeeze them?

What else should I be prepared for isn’t the right question. The right question should be, would I regret not doing what I could have done for my loved ones, if life ends today?