Arguments

If you are or have been any sort of relationships, you have argued. I too, have had my fair share of arguments. It’s not until recent years, I have really started looking into myself, what could I have done differently so little things, some times stupid small things wouldn’t blow up like the end of the world? I know it’s hard to dig into ourselves, it almost feel like admitting that you were at fault, and you were wrong, you were losing the argument. But at the end of the day, what is your end goal? Is it to win the argument, or to prevent small disagreement from blowing up again and hurt your loved ones?

I have read so many articles, watched so many videos, even been to therapy trying to find out what I could do to change things. Ironically, according to my therapist, I did everything I could for that particular relationship… but that will not stop me from looking within myself for the future. When frustration and anger ceases a person, the mind can easily go wild and emphasizes and even exaggerates and pulls all negative conclusions. I have been there too. For months, I have been practicing chilling my emotions. It’s hard, I have to admit. I still cry, still want to curl up under the blanket at times, still wet my pillow with tears. But the goal is to reduce this, calmly examine the argument and find out the root cause and come up with a solution to resolve it peacefully and really fix the issue, rather than masking the problem. I learned my lesson, masking the problem or pretend it’s not really an issue is not an option, it will blow up in your face another time, but way stronger.

I am not a relationship expert by any means, but I have a few tips that I think may be helpful in your relationship and resolve arguments based on my own experience and people around me, if you are not already doing so:

1. Identify your own emotions, and what triggers them. Really, this is the only way to understand and control your emotions and prevent it from going out of control. Do this with your significant other, so it’s clearly understood between the two of you what’s off the limits. This is going to be a brave move. It requires courage and trust, and completely put yourself out there. This can prevent each other accidentally “push the buttons” during an argument, this can also end a relationship quickly. To me, if you can’t put yourself out there and dive into a relationship fully, if you have to hold back a little, constantly thinking “what ifs”, you might as well don’t get into this relationship. It will not last. No one wants to be with someone one foot in, one foot out. Hence, no matter how much I was hurt before, I will not hold myself back. One can argue that I am not learning my lessons. The truth is, no two people are the same. It’s not fair to keep a distance from person #2 because you got burned by person #1. The lessons you really should learn is to be able to identify the red flags at an earlier stage, before your heart is all poured out. Easily said than done, I know, but I am willing to take the risk. Just like Lady Antebellum’s song Need You Now goes, “guess I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all”, nailed it. After all, why stay in a half dead relationship while you don’t know how love and being loved feels like?
2. Listen before talking. A lot of the times, arguments are really because of misunderstanding. Misunderstandings are quite often, that’s why there are so many tips and tricks on how to communicate clearly and effectively. However, if you are not even given a chance to clarify things, how can you clear anything up? I feel this is one of the leading cause of distance, at least in my experience. Misunderstanding went way too far and ridiculous before I was given a chance to speak, to the point I didn’t even feel like explaining anything any more.
3. Keep your emotion in control, take a step back if needed. It’s so easy to draw a conclusion prematurely, in a negative way when a person is upset. For example, if the two of you planned to have lunch together at noon at your favorite restaurant. Your significant other is running late. It’s so easy to think that you are less important than whatever made him or her late. It almost feels natural to be upset because he or she broke the plan the two of you made hours ago. But instead of blowing up and accusing him or her not taking you seriously, take a step back, find out what made him or her late, calmly put yourself in his or her shoes and it may be a lot easier to understand the situation.
4. Focus on the issue, not person. Personal attacks are the worst during an argument. Pay attention to how you approach an issue, instead of attacking your significant other as a person, such as irresponsible, not trust worthy, liar, lazy… try focus on what the actual matter is that is upsetting. If he or she left the shoes under the table instead of putting them away, instead of branding them to be lazy or messy, you can simply tell him or her that the shoes under the table are bothering you, and makes the room look messy. Can he or she put the shoes onto the shoe rack please.
5. Really put yourself in his or her shoes. Double standards are so common, I am certain all of us do it from time to time. It’s very easy to point out other people’s flaws, but we are somehow blinded by our own. Before losing your temper, try put yourself in his or her shoes. If you were your spouse, how would you handle it? Things could be a lot easier and clearer. I can certainly appreciate a partner with this character, who can put himself in my shoes when we have disagreements.

All the above are very important things to follow, in my eyes. Like I said, I am no relationship expert, certainly had a couple really messed up ones myself. These are my personal experience and lessons learned. Hope some can be helpful to your relationships, and help you find your happily ever after.